Sunday, June 21, 2009

i'm sad, and i need a good cry in the shower.

(i'm sad, but i haven't lost my sense of humor. Isn't this hysterical?)

i am not ungrateful or unhappy, just sad tonight.

i'm sad because i threw up this morning, and i am still so struggling with feeling well. feeling good is a fleeting thing with me.

i'm sad because my husband said when i asked him if he missed me while i was gone (and told him to be honest) he said that "things sure went smoother with me gone." (i wasn't mad, just sad, because i know what he said is true.

i'm sad because i don't even like my own company. I miss the real me. (please don't let this be the real me).

i'm sad that i don't like being pregnant, and feel guilty to say that because it is such a blessing and so many would do anything to be in my position. (and i am grateful, but i still abhor it)

i'm sad because i felt like such a useless loser at pioneer trek compared to everyone else (and that is what life is all about... comparing ourselves to others. ha ha. i am just kidding.

i'm sad because after doing the pioneer trek, i think i shouldn't go to girls camp. sniff sniff

i'm sad because i had to cancel photographing a wedding that i really really was looking forward to in Oct. sob sob

i'm sad that i don't have my mom to call and i miss her a lot, a lot, a lot.

i'm sad because my sisters won't even come and visit me!!!!! (although, i kinda don't want them to, because i am scared i won't be any fun.)

Don't worry, i won't be sad tomorrow. I will tell about my amazing experience at trek, and why my husband/father is so spectacular and list all of the things that make me happy. But, tonight i just need to allow myself to be sad.


ali said...

Heather, I completely 100% totally understand.

My pregnancy with Axel was similar and it devastated that 10 months of my life (I'm still not over it).

It's ok to be sad and to talk about your feelings. You are amazing to be sacrificing so much for your baby.

Anyway, I hope in some small way it helps that someone in Utah knows how you feel :)

Take care and do something nice for yourself (I recommend a pedicure).

kelly said...

lower the bar! it's only a few months, you don't have to do/ be what you normally are...remember this wise advice:

"and your kids? leave them alone! they like it! and dinner? have you ever heard of take out? and cleaning the house? let's not and say we did!"

ps- fine. i'll come, i'll start walking, be there in a month or so.

nicole boice said...

this post was sooo funny to me... i could've written these exact words, along with the rest of our family. followed the next day with a post about how much you love life and how inspired you are. alas, this is our cross to bear. you're not a horrible person, you are just in a down swing. and you are always fun. and i love you. and i already said i'm gonna come there.

cbo said...

I love how brave you are and that you aren't afraid to show the world both sides--the good and the ugly.
Take care and go have a good snuggle with your cute kids! (or Dave!)

Anonymous said...

"cheer up heather,
show me that smile,
what happened to the girl we
used to know?" :)
(from charlie and the chocolate factory--old version)
pretty soon you'll have a new babe in arms and all of these bad feelings will be a blur.. take it from me, i have been there and done that!!!! i have another reason for you to be sad. you forgot my birthday... ha ha
hang in there sorella!

Amie said...

How about a visit from your visiting teachers tomorrow!! I know you don't need any help cleaning house, but we could come commiserate with you. I'll bring a list of things I can be sad about and we'll sit around and eat chocolate and pout. Or maybe read an uplifting scripture or something positive. But I'm more inclined to go the chocolate route...

Kristen said...

i don't know you, but i appreciate your honesty. sick sucks.

Heather Walker said...

You are right, the storm trooper clip is funny and you haven't lost your sense of humor. Your sadness has just won for the day. Tomorrow you will be back.

Tracy said...

Heather I'm sorry. I am glad you shared though. I always feel guilty for having a sad day. No, I don't know why. No one can be 'up' 24/7. Especially when you feel like CRAP! Get it out, and know that you are helping others, like me, realize they aren't alone. It's okay to have a sad day once in while. Just know it's not here to stay!! I like your sister Kelly's advice too :) God bless ya!

Kendra said...

I love you Heather. I completely understand how you feel. You start to forget what the real you was like. But, I know you're still in there, and things will get better. It may not be for another 4 or 5 months, but at least there's a great prize at the end!

Can I bring you some chicken chili? or something else... anything else? I can make anything that sounds good to you. Please let me do something. I give a pretty awesome manicure or pedicure, or just a good foot rub if you prefer.

I know you won't ask, so I'm going to call you.

Leslie said...

I love you, man! I think you are the best. Hope you can get through this yuck soon.

GRodenberg said...

i had a sad week too, knowing that Crystal the cat had disappeared and was probably dead. Then, I had a hard week at girls camp in extreme heat/humid conditions. But now I'm home and guess what? Crystal is alive!!!! I knew that would cheer you up. haha. See my blog for pics of the wxciting event!!!!!

Dahlene said...

I'm sorry Heather. I remember my dark days. I know this might not help, but I thought of Joseph Smith sitting in Liberty jail all those months and how the Lord told him it would be "but a small moment". It helped me when I thought of that during my time of illness. You will be so happy to get that baby here. I hope you are more cheered up today.

best electric car said...

Or maybe read an uplifting scripture or something positive. But I'm more inclined to go the chocolate route...